Ebbs and Flows

In church, we’ve been on this series called 5 lies of the devil. One of them particularly hit home a few weeks ago. It was the lie “you will never change”.  As devoted blog fans, you already know by now that I should be the poster girl for breaking down the walls on this one. Right? Little Miss, ” I eat healthy and go to Weight Watchers cause I’m taking back control and , life is now a bowl of cherries.  To quote the late Erma Bombeck ” If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I living in the pits?”  Truth is,  I flunked this “lie”   bigger than life. The evil one and I have been dancing way too much recently.

 Seems he’s clued in on my history of negative self-image.  For anyone who has really stuck out the weight loss process, you know that it comes with ebbs and flows. Well I’ve been stuck at this same number for 5 weeks in a row. Now, the frustrating part is the food choices and quantity I pick are very healthy. I move on a regular basis. I just have not moved the scale for several weeks. It was getting more than frustrating and I was reverting to my “you’re never gonna be any better than this ” voice in my head.  I actually entertained the idea that “the voice” could be right. After all, every time I’ve tried to lose weight I get to exactly this number and hold. Therefore, I’ve quit in the past. This time has to be different. Why am I allowing myself to believe that God has anything but the best intended for me?  Well, because of that,I had myself a good old-fashioned melt down this week.  (Read this in a whiney voice to get the full effect of the next sentence or so).  It isn’t fair! I eat healthy, why should I have to count points, measure food and journal every morsel that goes into my mouth!? At what point can I just eat food like everyone else? End whiney voice, thanks for your cooperation.   So now what? I’m taking the advice my Mama told me for years when life gets tough. ” Jaime, put your big girl pants on and deal with it!” So I did. After a good cry, I regrouped, reassessed and took action. 

I got a new phone a few weeks ago so I decided to go “shopping” for an app that did Weight Watchers. Found one and had to plug in my weight, height, age, activity level to get my points to set up.  WHAT?!! I had WAAAAYYY more points than I was used to eating. Hang on a second…..I lost weight, therefore, points should drop. Right? Nope, turns out the more active you become, the more fuel your body needs to go. Now, this seems counter intuitive to put more food in to lose weight. This has been a problem since day one of this journey for me.  See, “the voice” tells me, “Jaime don’t put more food in, you’ll just get fatter”. This is the same voice that suggested eating a side salad for a daily food allowance in high school was a good diet plan.  So “the voice” isn’t really a good source, but it hollers none the less. I’d gone on a journaling hiatus, but kind of worked out how I was doing. On average, I was consuming what I should be on maintainance. Well… I was maintaining, not losing.  So I bit the bullet and ate my new food allotment, and a substantial number of my extra points for the week. I was scared out of my mind. What if I gain? After much turmoil, I decided, eat the food . If you gain, come up with a new plan.  

Today was weigh in. I got on that scale not sure what to expect. Good news. I lost 2 more pounds and I hit my 10% lost goal today. I am  now 10 pounds away from giving my hubby back  the bride he married, and another 10 to my goal.  Turns out I can to it devil !  I DID change! Chew on that one!

8 comments August 1, 2010

Independance Day

Born on the 3rd of July. What? The movie was Born on the 4th of July… right? Yes it was, but my new life started anew 10 years ago yesterday. Busy day, or I’d have written it then. 😉 10 years ago I received a “big envelope” in the mail. I opened it and my heart sang out…. could it be…. yes….. OH MY GOSH!!! I’d passed my nursing boards! Hallelujah! This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. Sure I’d busted my hump through 4 years of college, but this meant more. You see, the behind the scenes view of what was really going on, is that I was in a tumultuous, unhealthy relationship with a man who didn’t want me to pursue my dream of being a nurse. He wanted me to stay in town and be satisfied being less than who I was meant to be, so that he’d have a better paycheck than I did.  I was “defiant” , if you even want to call it that, by attending Purdue. That was an hour away from him and frankly, he NEVER made the drive to West Lafayette to see me. School was my “safe place”. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. When I came home, I’d work as much as possible to stay away from him. I can hear it now… “Well Jaime, ya dumb thing, dump his butt!” Yeah, well it wasn’t that simple. We’d go hot and cold for a while, just as the cycle of domestic abuse goes. He’d tear me down emotionally, which wasn’t hard, as I was spent from the emotional stress of getting through school with decent grades. The minute I suggest we call it quits he’d pull out the “I can’t live without you. If you leave me, I’ll kill myself”. GRRRREAT!!!!   Miss Fix-it couldn’t have that on her conscience.  First degree murder by breakup. 

I remember it well, I’d gone over there and expected him to celebrate with me. Instead it turned into a heated argument.  One that ended up with him backing me into a corner and him holding me by the throat against the wall. Something in my mind clicked. I had such clarity at that specific moment. I had a little card in my pocket that said I was worth something. Now go with me for a second, I know it sounds incredibly pathetic, you are right it was.  That little card said I was good at something in this world, regardless of the line of crap he fed me. I managed to break free and I told him with angst in my voice ” If you are truly that ill, that you would take your life then you need to seek help. I can not save you anymore.  I have to do what is right for me. YOU are not healthy for me anymore!”

With that, I became an entirely different woman. I went home and cried to my parents. But it wasn’t a sad cry. It was a scared cry, with good reason. We weren’t done. He started meeting me in the parking lot at work at 11pm. He’d harass me at my car.  Bless my Daddy’s heart, he started meeting me inside the hospital and walking me to my car on a regular basis. He’d follow me home and be sure I was safe. By the way, I have the World’s best Daddy ever.  He was alway there to let me vent about this guy. He always told me I deserved better, I just had to get to the point that I believed him.  Love you Daddy.

I think it was at this point in my life that I learned that I love to write. I journaled all the time, per the suggestion of my wonderful Mama. Told ya I have the best, most supportive parents ever! Love you Mama! I poured my heart onto the pages of that book. I cried, I yelled, I prayed to God that He’d take away this pain. The feeling that I was worthless. That was afterall, the line I’d been fed for the past 5 years. I described what I wanted in a soul mate. What I needed to make me feel complete and whole again.

Gradually, I felt my heart lighten. It was like I could see sunshine again.  I began working on ways of feeling worthy. I kept up my writing and I dove into work. I could make a difference there. Fixing people, that’s what I’m good at.  That was what God intended for my life. It was fixing a broken relationship that I’d not managed to make work.  It took time, but 10 months later, God answered my prayers. He sent me my “knight in shining armor”.  I met my Sean-Paul on Good Friday, and boy was it ever…. a Good Friday. Somehow, I managed to snow him on my level of self-confidence.  Obviously after a while, he saw my true colors. But he has been nothing but loving and nurturing and affirming since learning I am not the rock he once assumed me to be. I am forever grateful for that! I love you babe!

Who knew, all it took was a little card in my pocket to change the course of my history forever. So today, I celebrate the independence of our country, but I also celebrate my own Independence Day! Happy 4th everyone!

2 comments July 5, 2010

It’s a new dawn… it’s a new day.

The intention of my blog was to vent the emotional junk that was making me fat. I feel like I’ve gotten a good chunk of it off my chest, and who knows, maybe more will come soon. But for the past 10 days I’ve felt amazing. Great for me, not so great for the blog. So until I reach a point where I come up with something else, I am going to share with you how my journey is up to this point.

When I started this thing back in February, I never expected to be where I am today. Yes… I joined WW with the intention of losing weight. That’s all well and good. But this quest for better health has led my good friend Aubri and I on a wild goose chase for information. I  completely blame her ( love ya Aubstar!). It all started with a little book I mentioned a few editions back  ‘Skinny Bitch’.  I read it and was in tears over the section I read on how animals were treated in slaughterhouses.

 I have tinkered with vegetarianism as a health thing in the past.  NEVER would I have assumed I would convert for ethical purposes. This just broke my spirit to know the fear and abuse these creatures go through before they die. For the first time in my life, this felt completely wrong.  So…. for about a month and a half I have been  a vegetarian. Ya know what? It feels pretty good. Whew… that’s off my chest!  I think this is my ‘coming out’ party!

 I am so aware of the food that goes into my body and where it comes from now. Whenever possible, I choose organic. I realize  it is a bit more of a cost. But what is worth more…. some healthy food that is free of pesticides and harsh chemicals that nourishes me, or the medical and prescription charges I’d be faced with for not taking the extra time to care for my body? The choice is a no brainer for me.

This whirlwind of hunger to learn about the foods I eat has led me to study the diet of raw and living foods. It has always intrigued me, but seemed far too difficult to maintain. But the more books I study, the more I am brought back to this healthy way of eating.  I am learning that people are doing this diet and curing themselves of obesity, asthma ( ding ding count me interested in this… not being able to breathe sucks!), cancer, heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, depression, anxiety and more. How cool is that? This week I challenged myself to eat nothing but raw and living foods.  I wanted to see if it was truly doable and something I could sustain long-term. It was soooooo easy. Plus, I feel really good.

So….. let’s get the questions out-of-the-way. Cause I know I am starting a storm on this blog. 

How do you get your protein? Well, truth be told, we don’t need the large amount of protein that society thinks. Actually what we need are amino acids ( the building blocks of protein). You get plenty of that through green leafy veggies and an assortment of fruits. You can’t make protein into more protein. It just doesn’t work that way.

Side note: Animal protein takes much longer to break down in our system and it rots in your gut. Leading to gas and bloating short-term. Long-term it puts us at a much higher risk for colon cancer. Think about it people… this stuff is rotting in your pipes and now you have toxins laying against your intestine wall. After awhile, it can cause ulcerations in the lining and can lead to polyps which leads to colon cancer. (Sorry people, I am a nurse.  You want education on a topic… you get the glamorous truth). LOL!

Isn’t it hard to find things to eat? Uh… NO! I eat tons of stuff! This week I made completely amazing Chocolate banana shakes, juices from a variety of things, monster huge salads (this is not some lame salad either), fudge… yeah.. I said fudge chocolate fans! I made spaghetti, pad thai, and fettuccine alfredo. Does that sound boring?  Didn’t think so! I can run out the door with some fresh fruit and a snack baggie of nuts and I am armed with my snack and good to go. Trust me, I am not sitting at home nibbling carrots all day! 🙂

Don’t you have to have a bunch of fancy equipment to do it?  Well… make it what you will.  You probably have a stove, pots, pans, utensils, knives, and a variety of other gizmos. Do you HAVE to have them… probably not. Is it fun? YES!  Same here, you can bare bones it and make it simple, or you could jazz it up and try juicing and dehydrating. I have a blender, food processor, and a juicer and have gotten by famously this week. I have a dehydrator ordered and can’t wait to play with it. I plan on making pizza dough, chips, and desserts with it. That way I don’t miss the crunch of chips.  But on a daily basis… I feel like keeping it simple is the way this could be a long-term lifestyle.

Doesn’t it take a long time?  Not if you are prepared. I throw nuts in a bowl and run filtered water over them, cover them with a paper towel and leave em alone till morning. Drain em and voila! Again…. not rocket science, just planning.  Now, using the dehydrator takes some time, but if you make big batches of the stuff you like, then you have it on hand.   You don’t have to do it as often. Most of my meals take less than 15 minutes to throw together. Grabbing fruit takes absolutely no time at all.  

So what’s up with soaking  and sprouting?  Well, God created a fantastic way for trees and plants to grow. But He also came up with a great way to preserve them until the proper time. Nuts and seeds are like little bits of potential until they are unlocked with water. WHO KNEW!?  That’s great Jaim, but why do you have to do that? Ya don’t have to, but it is so much better for your body chemistry. Remember I talked earlier about how our body needs amino acids in order to function properly? Well nuts and seeds are a great sources. But our bodies go into default mode and use our own store of amino acids to break down the nuts if they are not germinated.  By doing so, the nut  breaks down on its own in our system and is easily absorbed.  It changes the chemistry of the nut or seed and turns it from acidic to more alkaline. Translation… makes our bodies happy!

Another fun fact, the Standard American Diet (SAD… good acronym) our bodies are very acidic.  Acidic environments are breeding grounds for sickness, disease, and infection. Our bodies desire a more alkaline environment which raw and living foods provide.

Alright… I’m out of questions. If you have more please ask away. I’d love to answer. Please hear my heart in this blog. My intention is not to tell you how to eat, but share with you my journey. If  I’ve sparked something in you let me know.   Here’s to hoping that I inspire America to be healthy! Bon Appetite!

3 comments June 12, 2010

The Naked Truth

 This week my clothes rack in my closet decides to come crashing down at 5:30 in the morning, scaring the ever-loving life out of my dear hubby and I. After spending all of yesterday and a good chunk of today rebuilding the closet system, it suddenly came to me that I had an immense amount of crap that didn’t fit anymore. Oh gosh, what to do…… the demons were cranking in my head speaking of “what if you go back to being fat and you need them again”. It was all I had in me to quiet those voices. I finally decided the best way to cope was to try EVERYTHING on. That was quite an afternoon let me tell you. The hardest part for me was giving my favorite clothes. I put them on and stared into my long mirror and they hung on me. I tossed 4 pair of pants that I could pull over my hips buttoned and zipped. They looked completely sloppy.  WHY was I feeling such an attachment to them? I now can see that it is because it covered who I was.  90 % of my “fat clothes” were black. What is that about? Can we scream DEPRESSED! I was  fat, insecure, and lonely. Lonely may not make sense, as I have a great family and support system. Because I held everything in, I didn’t allow people to know the dark corners of my mind and, the way I internally beat myself on a regular basis.   I think there is this fear of “what if I go back?” I’M NOT GONNA!!!!  Girlie it is “piss or get off the pot time”. Freakin commit!

So, I tossed and tossed. It was quite therapeutic really. If it didn’t fit or make me feel beautiful, I threw it.  At one point I thought I was going to run around naked because the amount of summer clothing that fit was quickly dwindling. I now have one pair of shorts that fit me. Not that I had many to start with, because shorts showed waaaaaay too much of my legs that I was always less than proud of.  But they are getting better, and I am continuing to make good choices about food and moving. So now, guess it is time to go shopping.

1 comment June 1, 2010

Terms of Endearment

Babe, sweetheart, honey, doll, angel, baby, dear, love, handsome, sexy, gorgeous…….. On one occasion or another I have been guilty of referring to my hubby, kids, family, dear friends in one of the above terms of endearment.  I am really great at building others up, my problem, I build everyone up… but me.

My sweet sister-in-law came to town for a visit last week. She lives in San Fransisco. She was telling me that she has a mentor who recommended that she begin referring to herself as “sweetheart” as a way to build herself up.  Ness, then suggested that I try it this week. It has been a challenge, because I am in the habit of being my own worst enemy. But I can honestly say I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. When I felt hot and tired from working outside,  I found myself saying “sweetheart, sit your buns down and get a drink, it’s hot outside”. Or when I was overwhelmed the night before my Advance Life Support test after having no time to study , I said “darling, you have passed this same test 5 times, you can do it this time, RELAX!” It was quite affirming.  I probably sounded silly, but who cares!

So to everyone out there who, like me, has issues of being their own worst enemy. I admonish you to give this little exercise a try. You won’t regret it. You treat others with love and respect, now its time to give yourself the same courtesy.

This week I am down another 0.6lbs. I am choosing to look at this as a positive. I didn’t gain, however the “negative ” part of me wants to say that I am not pouring the pounds off. Now, truth be told, I am losing. I just am taking my sweet time. 🙂 At least I am consistent, it will come off when it does. If it takes me a year or two to get to Lifetime, well, it’s two years in the grand scheme of things. When I lose it forever, it will be worth it no matter how long it takes.  For now, I am eating healthy choices and I am choosing to be proud of where I’ve come from.  Good job Sweetheart! 🙂

5 comments May 27, 2010

Count your blessings!

This week has been chaotic to say the least. Finding time to write has been a challenge. But I’m gonna do it, so here it goes. Start with my celebrations. …  This week marks my 12th week. I have lost a grand total of 13 lbs, and 20.5 inches since I started my journey.  I am down another pound this week. I also can officially say that I have defeated obesity!!! That’s right. No longer does my BMI suggest that I am obese, but merely overweight. I prefer voluptuous, it sounds better.  😉

Now a bit more sobering, this week was stressful for me. Sean was gone a good chunk of the week nights  practicing for the band that played at Taste of Kokomo.  I’m glad he got a chance to do it, because he really enjoys playing. It was just tough because I had to work the nights he didn’t practice, so we didn’t get any “us” time to process the events of the week. I really rely on our evening chats. It keeps me sane.  🙂 Add on top of that Jack ( my 2-year-old) begins complaining of ear pain and getting sick at night.  During the day, you’d swear he was perfectly fine.  After 4 or 5 nights of this, we took a little trip to the doctor. He tells me Jack’s ears are fine. He was worried about the upset stomach at night, but thought it could be viral. After Jack started complaining of headaches on top of it, we decided to scan his head.

There are times in a mom/nurse’s life when ignorance would be bliss. This would have been a perfect time!  Unfortunately, I was able to dream up every ugly outcome in my head…..and then some.  I crossed bridges in my mind before I knew anything.  The scan was negative for the “uglies” and showed  only a very nasty sinus infection.  WHEW……. Do you all feel the 100lb weight that flew off my chest? Cause I  sure do.

The good in all this story is , in the past, I would have dealt with the week with my head in the fridge or the cookie jar. I DIDN’T! Instead I talked it out.   I have my two close buds and a whole bunch of family to thank for pulling my head out of my butt and setting me straight. You know who you are. So a very heart-felt thank you. ((((HUGS))))

So to end this blog, I am going to celebrate all that I have to be thankful for. I could not be more happy to be married to my best friend.  I have 2 healthy, beautiful children (praise GOD!!), I have a wonderful family, a TON of great friends, an amazing church family,  a house over my head, 2 dogs and 3 cats, and a job that I love. I’d say I have the world by the tail! 🙂

2 comments May 18, 2010

Cleaning House

Hello all! It’s been a bit longer than my weekly update due to craziness of life. Well, not entirely crazy. I spent the weekend with my hubby on a get away. MUCH NEEDED! ❤

This week has been about cleaning house for me. Yeah… my actual house too, but that was a mere side effect… more to come on that.

A little background… sorry, could get lengthy. I once read a book called In the Meantime by I. Vanzant. I read this after the personal low of breaking up with my fiance. Sounds bad, but it was the healthiest thing I’ve ever done. I went through 5 years of verbal abuse, manipulation, and general unhealthy behavior with “prince charming” .  I find it interesting how people can be judgemental of women in abusive relationships. Walk in that woman’s shoes and you’ll think differently. I had the unfortunate experience of learning first hand abuse is a cycle that is vicious. I stayed because he threatened to kill himself if I left. Being the compassionate weakling at the time, rather than suggesting he seek help, I stayed. That is, until I passed my nursing boards. Something  about passing made me feel that the 4 years of busting my butt in school and very little sleep had paid off in spades. I felt strong for the first time in a long time. I WAS strong enough to be on my own. So, I took the risk and left. I had some very scary discussions that followed. Of course he threatened his life multiple times. I finally gained the strength to tell him if he was that unstable I could not fix him. He needed help. That was it …I was finally free!  I struggled with my decision even up until a year ago when he finally did take his life. But it wasn’t because I missed him and wanted to be with him. It was that he never married, or dated after our break up….9 years prior. I’d be lying to say a part of me felt it was my fault. But I refuse to take the blame for his void in his life. Ultimately, I made the right choice and I have a beautiful family to show for it.

I say all this to say that book came to mind again this week.  Vanzant likens our bodies to building a house. You have to build your self-worth in the basement. Only then, do you have a strong foundation. Once that is established, you move your way up to the first floor, work on truly loving yourself. Second floor is finding love in relationships, the attic is the ability to love and accept the love of your Holy Father. I’ve been processing how I’ve grown as a person since that difficult stage of my life. I feel I’ve finally cleaned the cobwebs that darkened my basement from my tumultuous relationship . I feel I’m decent at scrubbing the floors of my 1st floor. I am learning to love me for who I am. Moving on to the second floor, I’d love to say I’m an ace at loving others, but I struggle with making myself a priority.  I give all that I have, but sometimes it’s not my best because I don’t make my self a priority.  Still working on that one. We’ll say I’m on my way up the stairs to the second floor! 🙂

So, to make this exercise more real in my mind, I started cleaning my house. I organized closets, everyone’s room, the toy room and my kitchen. I had a party tossing things that didn’t bring me joy anymore, or that the boys had grown out of. It was extremely therapeutic. Now to take care of me… I stress out because my house isn’t clean. Step back and realize I have pre-schoolers for cryin  out loud. But do I allow myself that grace… NOOOOOOO! So I thought I’d challenge the itty bits to take responsibility so that Mama isn’t so tired of cleaning all the time. I completely underestimated their ability to do things. So, with a solid pep talk and some continued encouragement, my 2 and 4-year-old now wash their dishes, pick up their rooms, put clothes in the dirty hamper, pick out their own clothes , and put their toys away without a fuss. PRAISE GOD!!! Mommy is more sane, life is good.

4 comments May 7, 2010

High School Blues

Today I am celebrating a major victory. Not just a scale victory, but this week I had an eye-opening discovery of what wrecked my self-image. First off…. I LOST 3.2 POUNDS!!!!! Nearly did a back flip off the scale this morning.  I’ve been stuck and actually gained a bit of weight for the past 3 weeks. The word frustration is an understatement after being diligent about everything that goes into my mouth, journaling, walking and NOTHING happening. I needed this! The lesson I learned is consistency, consistency, consistency. It will pay off.

On to my mental victory… My mother has been one of my counselors in this journey to change my life. I have always turned to her for advice on everything.  I swear she is one of the smartest people on the planet. Love you Mommy! xoxo. In talking this week we were discussing events in our lives that were painful. For whatever reason, I grazed by a story that happened in high school….like 2 or 3 times.  Mom thought perhaps I’d not taken the time to mourn the situation and that there was something I was hanging on to.  What do ya know… Mama was right once again.  😉

High school was a horrible time in my life. Whatever bozo said it was supposed to be the best 4 years of your life LIED. You  could not have pegged a more miserable 4 years of my life if you tried. I always felt I had to morph my personality to fit  into a group, because I didn’t know who I was yet.  I was always insecure.  At one point I was dating this guy and he was pretty popular. His buddy, we’ll call him “Richard” ( I LOVE creative licence) told him that he’d better be rich to date me and that he better start going to buffets because I was so big it would take that much to feed me. If that wasn’t bad enough, he expressed this opinion in the locker room with the entire football team present.  Yeah… THAT really happened! Needless to say, sweetie and I broke up.  That’s ok.. my story has a MUCH better ending! 🙂

I have no ill will toward “Richard”, in fact I wish him the best and hope he is happy. But I allowed him to make me feel less than beautiful. I allowed him to wreck my self-esteem. I allowed him to steal my joy at his expense, and all for a few laughs by the football team. Now, truth was, I was the biggest cheerleader on the squad. But looking back, I looked healthy. I think it’s pretty close to where my ultimate weight-loss goal will take me. I’m never gonna weigh 115 lbs. I’d look like Kate Moss. I have an athletic build and I am alright with that.  But that event spiraled a very unhealthy diet program where I ate a side salad and water for the entire day. This went on until my bones were sticking out. I looked emaciated and I STILL wasn’t happy.  BUT I SHOWED HIM! No… I made myself miserable! My “never let em see you sweat” mentality never took the time to process how that event hurt me.

Fast forward to today, I have an amazing husband who thinks I’m beautiful (remember I said my story gets better). I think that man would love me if I was 5 lbs or 1000. He is supportive and loving. To this day, I “don’t get it” when he is affirming me.  I’m working on changing that behavior. But the honest answer is, in the back of my mind I don’t know how “Buffet girl” is worthy of such love. What can I say, still a work in progress. I am learning that I AM worthy of being treated like a queen and not everyone thinks it requires a feed trough to take care of my dietary needs.   I am so blessed to have my Sean there to be my voice of reason when those dark voices enter my head.  15 years is entirely too long to stew over something. Especially, when it was a remark by an immature boy. So Richard, I am publicly forgiving you for being your namesake and letting that go forever.   In the words of SNL’s Stewart Smally… “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it… people like me”.

5 comments April 24, 2010

Hello world!

Well hello everyone!  I start off my story saying that my battle with weight has been a chronic problem since I was a teenager. I have done pretty much every diet under the sun with little or brief success. Most of the time it has not been the healthiest way to go about it. Not proud of it, but that’s where I’m at. It’s time to put an end to that and be done with my weight battle once and for all.  One of my best buddies and I started our journey with Weight Watchers 9 weeks ago. She’s been blogging the entire time. I kinda stood back watching in awe. The more she does it, the more I realize it is therapy for her. For that very reason,  I’ve been feeling the bug to put my feelings out there and discuss the emotional side of eating.

That being said, I’m Jaime and FOOD is my drug. I’m 32 years old and am just now learning how to have a healthy relationship with food.  In my weeks at Weight Watchers, I have learned that half my battle is not the type of food that I eat, in general, it has always been healthy. It is the reasons that I eat. Food symbalizes so many things in my life. I eat obviously for nutrition, but for celebrations, get togethers, when I’m sad and mourning. Food can be your best friend when you are lonely or insecure. It doesn’t talk bad about you behind your back or say mean things. It isn’t catty. It has previously calmed my shot nerves when my children act like complete animals.  It somehow has just always soothed my soul.  I am guilty of depriving my body on a regular basis of the sustanance it deserves and gorging when stress overrides my life. I will say over the past 9 weeks this behavior has finally come to a stop.  I am learning to talk my feelings out rather than try to stuff my emotions all the time.  Thank goodness for my arsenal of family and friends who are there to support me. I can not make this happen without you.

So far I have lost 10 lbs and a total of 15 inches. Sounds pretty good, except the past 3 weeks I’ve hit this fantastic plateau that I am completely over. This has been completely frustrating for me. I have gained and lost this same 10 pounds I can’t remember how many times. It is generally at this point in the past that I deal with it a bit, and then quit. This time MUST be different. I thought if I started putting my thoughts down, not only will I look back and be proud. But I also am releasing all the the emotional baggage that goes with this. This is the first time in my life I have intentionally made an effort to lose my emotional weight. This has got to be the reason I have yo-yoed my whole life.  So many people go through this, I’m hoping my story helps someone else out in their weight loss journey. More to come! 😉

4 comments April 21, 2010

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